Decaffeinated Milk

Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of University of New Hampshire. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story. This declaration of the stupid award goes to a customer today. Below is a close rendition of the conversation with her.

Lady: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
Ian: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?

Lady: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
Ian: Is there more milk or coffee?

Lady: Oh, definitely more coffee.
Ian: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.

Lady: Just the usual amount of milk.
Ian: A coffee with milk.

Lady: Yes.
Ian: Anything else?

Lady: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
Ian: We do have decaf.

Lady: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
Ian: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.

Lady: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
Ian: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.

Lady: Yes it does.
Ian: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?

Lady: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.
Ian: Oh, you're right, my mistake. I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Lady: Do you have any bagels?
Vinnie: [who has been listening all along] I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.

Lady: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds.
Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am.

Lady: Well what are those? [pointing at sesame bagels]
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.

Lady: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?
Ian: No ma'am, cash only.

Lady: What about Visa?
Ian: Is that a credit card?

Lady: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?

Lady: No.
Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.

Lady: What about checks?
Ian: Cash ma'am, nothing else.

Lady: Ok. how much is that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents. [for a cup of coffee, if you missed that.]

Lady: Really?
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.

Lady: Ok. (proceeds to write a check)
Vinnie: Please leave.

Lady: Why?
Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.

Lady: But what about my coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. ...

Updated at 15:47 EST on Tue Apr 11, 2006