Livermore Labs Discover New Element

Press - For Immediate Release

The heaviest element known to science was discovered today by physicists at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratories.

The element, tentatively known as Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers (now employed by Hewlett- Packard), a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it normally would occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years at which time it does not actually decay, but instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as government agencies, large computer or aerospace corporations, and universities, and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Frantic attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising, since attempts to control it simply cause more Administratium to be created.

Updated at 15:47 EST on Tue Apr 11, 2006